One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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