Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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