after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize