The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
