This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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