Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
