My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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