I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
