You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
