just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
