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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I need to wash the frat house off of me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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