Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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