why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
