dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it's not cheating when I paid for it
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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