Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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