haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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