he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
