As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
