theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize