Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
