Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
