Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
