I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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