Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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