PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
