i love accidental penises.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
