call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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