your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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