that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My ATM looks so different sober.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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