Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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