I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize