if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
