I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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