guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
