I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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