I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
