Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
