a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
