I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
