Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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