Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
