i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
