I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
