Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
