My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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