Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
