I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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