I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
