what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize