My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
