There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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