Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
