I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
