My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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