she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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