I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
