Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
