Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
