Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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