I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
